Child access during summer holidays
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by: HowardMacKinnon
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Word Count: 859
Things change: people, circumstances, whatever. So even if there are strict rules about what access should look like over the summer months, avoid the temptation to let a separation agreement or court order assume the role of parent. Consider what may have changed since that agreement or order was signed and take a fresh look at it to see if it really does continue to be the best thing for the kids. Children are best served by parents who strive to make access arrangements work than by parents who blithely follow formulas and schedules that may now be out of date.
If you do not already know, it is alright to deviate from an existing court order or separation agreement if you and your ex spouse agree. The order or agreement certainly comes in handy in the event that you cannot agree. However, it is always better for the children to have two caring and mature adults continually willing to re-examine things and make sure they get what they need. It is prudent to write out the changes that you have agreed to simply to avoid any misunderstanding in the future. Just a handwritten note signed and dated by both you and your ex should do the trick.
Do not forget to seek input from the children when making your plans for summer access. It should be a priority for the children to spend extra time with the parent they see less of during the rest of the year. However, this time can be even more valuable if the children are not required to give up other activities they wish to participate in in order to spend the extra time with that parent. The older the child is the more important it is for that child to have his or her own time and engage in activities here she is looking forward to. Look for ways to become involved in the child's activities rather than for the child to always have to fit into your activities.
Summer also presents opportunities for parents and children to participate together in various special events and activities such as summer holidays, family occasions, and special vacations. It is important for parents to work together to make it possible for the children to enjoy these events with the parent most closely associated to the event. If this is difficult to determine, perhaps one parent can take the kids this year and the other can take them next year. On the other hand, such events may make the relatively little time the children spend with the "access" parent even more meaningful. Some consideration should be given to making sure the children get to spend some of these special times with that parent.
The access parent who does get increased time with the children over the summer should plan to use that time to the best possible advantage. That means taking every chance to build, or in some cases rebuild, relationships with the children. The best way to do this is not just to make the kids the priority but to make it obvious to them that they have your attention. That might mean turning off the cell phone and waiting until bedtime to check your email. It might mean spending less time with other adults unless the children have already established a good relationship with them. Remember that the best activities are the ones that let you share time, words, thoughts, and dreams with your kids. This is fairly easy when children are young. Simply find ways to involve them in whatever you are doing and ways to involve yourself in their own play. For older kids it might mean watching them play a sport, followed by praise and/or consolation depending on how well they do. It should also mean allowing them to have input into what you do during access time. Leaving it entirely up to them might sound like a good idea but it usually is not. Giving them a choice of several attractive options, all of which you are prepared to live with, would be a safer way to go.
The most important thing to remember is that the children are best served by parents who are flexible and willing to cooperate with each other rather than those who are confrontational and rigid. Whether or not parents had separated they still need to negotiate with each other and make compromises when planning summer activities with the children. Close relationships can be maintained best when everyone's needs and interests are respected.
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